Good Comebacks

Person making your mom jokes

• Person: Your mom likes old men.
  You: Of course she does. They perform better than you!

Chef made you a terrible meal

• Chef: You becoming a vegetarian?
  You: Yeah, if you remain a cook.

Person who never stops talking

• You: I sure wish I had some masking tape right about now.

• You: Does your mouth operate on premium fuel?

Woman being approached by a male

• Man: Hey, would you like to dance?
  Woman: No thanks, I prefer men.

• Man: So why haven't you approached me?
  Woman: There are way more better choices here.

• Man: Can I buy you a drink?
  Woman: Yes.. and one for my friends as well.

• Man: Hey you're pretty cute!
  Woman: I know, every guy here said the same thing.

After sex

• Woman: Sex was great!
  Man: Olive oil may of helped!

Person giving you advice

• Person: Do not drink & drive!
  You: Alright fine.. I'll drive & drink.

You got into a car accident from speeding

• Person: Learn how to drive!
  You: I don't have time!

• Person: Has anyone ever told you that you can't drive?
  You: Nope, but your mom said I am a great driver in the bedroom.

Driving standard - Changing gears while turning.

• Passenger: Drivers book says you can't change gears while turning.
  Driver: Yeah, well it also says you can't speed. But does anyone ever listen?

Sexual

• Woman: You suck!
  You: No I don’t. That’s your job!

• Man: Give me head!
  Woman: No thanks. I always choke when placing small items in my mouth!

Person not feeling too well

• Person: I'm getting a funny feeling..
  You: It may be gas!