Funny Tweets

I'm on Twitter and you can find my funny tweets below.

• I think Tom Cruise should go on a cruise. @TomCruise

• I think Sunday mass should give Jesus the day off and dedicate itself to Tom Brady.. #Superbowl #GoPatriots

• The Amazing Race - What's so amazing about it after 19 seasons?

• It's -16 outside. I guess I'm not breathing enough.

• I had an amazing dream. Ron Jeremy was my uncle.

• For Halloween, in Mexico, I dressed like a Mexican.

• I'm Charlie Sheen - minus the drugs, alcohol and women.

• Half the things I say make no sense. #Winning

• Gas prices are going up while my fan base is not.

• If @JohnStamos replaces @CharlieSheen on Two and a Half Men, does that mean Jake gets to call him 'Uncle Jesse?'

• When soccer players retire, they can become professional divers.

• I'm standing beside my boyhood idol - Mike "The SITUATION"

• Canada will be introducing plastic money. I wouldn't be surprised if it's made in China.

• Just took a dump.

• I like stalking. It's fun.

• I want Kraft Dinner to trend - #KraftDinner