Episode 05 - Daves Funnybone

Welcome to Episode 05 of Daves Funnybone.

Introduction

Hi! My name is Dave and I like milking cows.

Meanwhile At The Farm

Dave is in the process of milking a cow.

Hi everyone, I’m currently milking a cow (Dave's moaning heavily). Wow this feels so good... My nice tight grip is on the cows... unit... Squeezing hard going up... and down... up... and down...

This cow is nice... and firm... This is more fun than playing with my own unit! I wonder if the cow orgasms once the milk starts coming out.

Cow Orgasming: Moooo.. moo moo.. moo moo.. mOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...

That'll be great news if it does. I can start pleasuring myself for money!

Yes, that sick thought is found on Episode 05!

Dave The Reporter

Hi, I’m here with Danny McManny. He is the cook and owner of a restaurant no one has ever heard of.

Dave: So Danny, tell me.. what are the rules for working in a restaurant?
Danny: Well Dave, one thing for sure is you can’t spit in the food.
Dave: Why not?
Danny: Because it’s rude and disgusting.
Dave: Yeah but what if you think the food you are cooking does not have any taste? So you decide to spit in it to give the extra spice.
Danny: No man, that wouldn’t work.
Dave: Okay, but if the customer complains that the food does not have enough taste, would you regret not spitting in it?
Danny: No, because like I said, that would be disgusting. Instead I would make the person another dish for free.
Dave: Yeah but you’ll be giving him 2-for-1. You know, the same deal pizza places give. That will cost you money!
Danny: Yes, but that’s business!

Dave: I have heard from TV stations who lie, that you make a really good hamburger.
Danny: HEHE.. yes I do.
Dave: I would like to know what are the ingredients of your top secret recipe?
Danny: Well... I can’t tell you.
Dave: Why not?
Danny: Because it’s a secret.
Dave: Well I can tell you my top secret recipe..
Danny: Hmm.. You have a secret recipe?
Dave: Yes I do and it’s delicious.
Danny: Alright, let’s hear it.
Dave: My hamburgers are made from ground beef which has been exposed to the dirty ground. After all, it’s called ground beef! I then mix the beef with 3 cups of horse raddish and 2 cups of vinegar.
Danny: THAT’S DISGUSTING!
Dave: No it’s not. The rat tried it and ate it quicker than the piece of swiss cheese he had earlier.
Danny: Well rats don’t necessarily have good taste in food.
Dave: Yes but this rat must have great taste since it liked my burger.
Danny: Hey man, maybe your burger is disgusting!
Dave: Whoa, keep your comments to yourself!
Danny: Sorry to upset you but I'm speaking the truth.
Dave: It seems like you are calling me out!
Danny: No I'm not man. Calm down!
Dave: You want a piece of me?

You are reading Episode 05. The reason why you aren't watching Episode 05 is because I can't afford the production!

Dave On Vacation

Dave flew with his friends to a vacation spot. They stayed at an all inclusive resort which means all food and drinks are free. Here I’ll cover the top highlights of the trip.

Day 1

Dave: What a beautiful sunny day this is. Let’s get some breakfast!

Dave’s At The Chef

Dave: Hi, umm, can I get a breakfast burrito?
Cook: What’s that?
Dave: You know.. your kind of food. The wrap with spicy stuff which makes people run for the toilet.
Cook: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Dave: What do you mean? It’s the same stuff found at Taco Bell!
Cook: What’s that?
Dave: Buddy, your country invented Taco Bell! You know the fast food chain which has a talking Chihuahua as the mascot? He always says “Yo quiero Taco Bell!”

Day 2

Everyone is lying on the beach chairs relaxing and getting a tan. Dave has his eyes closed and is daydreaming about random topics..

Dave’s Thoughts: "DUDE.. Where’s My Car?" was such a great movie. If it came out in Afghanistan, would it be called "DUDE.. Where’s My Camel?"

Day 3

Dave is sitting by the pool thinking about how long would it take for him to clean his ass after doing diarrhea. He then sees a woman with monstrous tits swimming in the pool. Dave is a man who takes charge and starts talking to her!

Dave: Hi there!
Girl: If you’re talking to me cause of my chest, please get lost!
Dave: Wow, I guess it’s true what they say. Implants is the cause of PMS!

Day 4

It’s night and everyone is at a club. Dave had not too much to drink, just 14 shots of tequila. Everyone is dancing away while Dave is walking with his arms hanging straight out. People have said he looks like a zombie but the truth is he lost his vision!

Later on someone asked Dave to dance and that's what happened. His friends watched it happen but they weren't happy for Dave, instead they were disgusted. They realized Dave must of been really intoxicated because he was dancing.. with a guy!

Day 5

Dave suffered a hangover and decided to stay in bed. For a moment he couldn’t tell the difference between being hung over at home and being hung over on vacation. He then realized there's no difference cause either way he's in bed feeling like crap!

But there is one difference.. Vacation is where it's really easy to grind someone.. of the same sex.. without realizing!

Day 6

Dave is recharged and made a promise that he won’t drink anymore alcohol on the trip. So next minute he goes to the bartender and says..

Dave: Hi.. Can I get a juice?

Bartender prepares him the juice. Dave then says..

Dave: And add 3 shots of vodka to it!

Bartender does it and gives Dave the drink.

Dave: Well it looks like I lived up to my promise!

Day 7

Dave is packed and ready to head back home. But that moment was when he realized.. He missed his flight!

His friends took off without him!
He is stuck in the Caribbean without a resort to stay at!
What is he going to do?
WHAT IS HE GOING TO DO??

The answer is not in Episode 05.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Things To Keep In Mind

• Alcohol can screw up your life

• Never get into a fight with someone who can cook better than you

• Why milk cows if you can.. milk yourself?