Episode 04 - Daves Funnybone

Welcome to Episode 04 of Daves Funnybone.

Can You Imagine..

Dave In An Airplane.

He pulls out a cotton swab and

“I’m going to clean my ears! muAHAHAHAHHAHAHA”

Passenger: OH NO.. HE’S GOT A COTTON SWAB!!! AHHHHH!!!!!!!

Security then uses force and beats the living crap out of him. Hours later he’s sent to prison.

Jailmate: Why the heck are you here?
Dave: Cause on the airplane I pulled out a cotton swab!

Dave Learning Japanese.. Or Trying To At Least.

Woman at desk: Hi, what can I do for you?
Dave: Hi, would you like.. to go sucky-sucky.. on my ding dong?

And then.. Dave ends up back in jail.

Jailmate: Let me guess.. You pulled out another cotton swab?
Dave: Nope, this time I spoke Japanese!

Dave The Teacher

Welcome to the continuation of Dave The Teacher live on episode 04. Dave is stuck in the principals office with both the principal and Angel’s mom. This should be a great one.

Principal: So Dave, do you know why we’re sitting here today?
Dave: Yeah, cause she wants 3 way!
Mom: EXCUSE ME!?!?!?
Dave: What.. Don’t you know when a mom sits in a room with 2 guys…
Principal: Okay Dave, that’s enough!!!
Dave: Geez, I try to be honest and this is how I get treated!

Now the principal stands up.

Principal: Dave I received a complaint from this woman who’s Angel’s mom. She told me you said her little girl doesn’t shower and the class laughed at her.
Dave: It’s kindergarten class. Aren’t we suppose to be immature?
Mom: The kids yes, but not the teacher!
Dave: Then what fun is it being a kindergarten teacher? Maybe I should have been a principal!
Mom: Yeah, like that would ever happen.
Dave: It would be easy. All I would have to do is sit in this room and keep occupied by reading the Playboy magazines which are placed in the top door of this desk!
Principal: WHAT?? How do you know I have those?
Mom: You have those in your desk??
Principal: WHAT, NO..
Dave: I was here last night and kept myself quite.. busy.. if you know what I mean.
Mom: That’s it, I’m contacting the school board. You are a dirty principal and Dave.. you’re a dickface!
Dave: You’re calling me a dickface? Well you’re a pee-pee-head!
Mom: URGH!!!!

You've just read the interesting conversation on Episode 04. There might be a continuation in the future.

Dave The Reporter

Dave the reporter is going to do something he’s never done before.. Visit the next door neighbors.

Hi everyone, this is Dave the Reporter coming to you live in front of my next door neighbors kitchen window. I have a spy cam in place and you can see they’re eating dinner. It looks like they’re having a great family dinner. Now I’m going to activate my top secret voice recorder and hear what they’re saying.

Mother: Oh yeah honey? Your mama’s so fat when she jumped up, her feet never left the ground!
Father: Pretty good joke coming from someone who’s never left the ground herself!
Daughter: Why are you two fighting? I should be the one arguing that I have pathetic parents!
Son: Be quiet sister, nothing is as pathetic as the old guy you brought to your bed last night!
Father & Mother: WHAT!?!?!?!? YOU’RE ONLY 19 YEARS OLD!!!

From what I can see, it looks like the daughter is crying and she just ran out of the kitchen. Oh dear, this isn’t good. Wow, the mother just poked the father in the eyes and used a steel chair across his back. I think this has turned into a wrestling match.

“Someone.. Get a referee in there!!”

Out of no where someone walked into the kitchen with a black and white stripped shirt on and it looks like he’s the special guest referee. Now I’m going to provide some play-by-play.

- The mother goes at him for the clothesline.
- The father ducks and picks up a toothpick.
- The referee pulls the toothpick away and says “That’s an unidentified object. I’m giving you a warning!”
- Referee turns away to dispose the toothpick.
- The mother gives the husband a low blow and he drops to the ground.
- Mother goes for the pin.
- Referee counts 1..2..3..

MATCH OVER – The wife wins by a cheap shot!

There you have it everyone. The wife is the winner with a cheap shot the referee never saw. So for all the men out there reading this, let that be a lesson to you. Don’t marry a cheater!

Coming to you live from Episode 04, this is Dave the Reporter.. signing off!

Dave’s Dating Advice

1ST CALLER

Paul: Hey Dave, why are you helping women out? You should be helping us guys!

Dave: I’m not helping guys because I don’t want any competition. I want all the ladies for myself! I’m selfish and couldn’t care less about you!

Paul: Okay, good enough!

2ND CALLER

Maria: Hi Dave, I was at a club and this guy was getting too “close” to me. I tried pushing him away but he was like a magnet. What should I do next time this happens?

Dave: Hi Maria, next time he comes close, demagnetize him!

Maria: How can I do that?

Dave: There’s many ways including dumping your drink all over him. But my personal favorite is to carry a skunk in your purse. That’ll teach him!

Maria: Thanks Dave! :)

3RD CALLER

Christine: Hey Dave, there’s a guy I like and I’m not sure if he likes me. I mean he gives me signals in the morning and later when I look at him, he acts like I don’t exist.

Dave: Stop right there. If a guy doesn’t know you exist later on, that means you got out of the mini skirt you were wearing that morning.

Christine: Oh my, how did you know I was wearing a mini skirt?

Dave: Because I’m the same guy who stars in “Dave The Psychic” which can be found in previous episodes of Daves Funnybone. Also, look up “guys” in the dictionary. It says

“GUYS – Very horny things that want sex!”

Christine: Now I know.. To wear my mini skirt all the time! Thanks Dave!!

4TH CALLER

Kitana: Hey Dave, I heard what you said to the slut Christine. Does that mean you’re always horny?

Dave: Nope, because I want a relationship!

And that’s it for Dave’s Dating Advice on Episode 04. If you enjoyed this session, let me know on the Contact Us page. This way I may continue with "Dave's Dating Advice" on future episodes.

Thanks for checking out Episode 04 of Dave’s Funnybone. The next one will be out in November. See you then!

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