Episode 03 - Daves Funnybone

Welcome to Episode 03 of Daves Funnybone.

Blind Date

Dave went to the mall to meet up with a woman he chatted with on the internet. Her name is.. Actually Dave never got her first name. He's such an idiot! How can he forget such a thing like that?

Can you imagine going on a blind date "Hi, my name is Dave. Who the f*ck are you?" That would never work. I bet all the episode 03 readers agree with that! Now let's get to the date.

Dave: What’s your name?
Woman: My name is Ashlee
Dave: That’s awesome. Your name contains 2 names!
Ashlee: Huh?
Dave: Ash & Lee! HAHAHA!!!
Ashlee: Ummm, it was nice meeting you!

I can’t believe she took off on me!

You don't have to mess up your dates. To attract them, check out some Dating Humor!

Dave The Teacher

Dave is a supply teacher for a kindergarten class. He has no idea what to teach so he came up with a random idea.

Patricia: Umm are you our supply teacher?

Dave is standing in the front of the class scratching his butt.

Dave: Yes I am. My name is Dave and I will be your educational dude today.
Patricia: You smell!
Dave: Alright students, I want you to watch this video called “How To Wash Dishes Without Using A Dishwasher.”
Tom: Dave, we already know the answer to that one. The only alternative is to use a washing machine!
Dave: No Tom, that’s only used for clothes. Clothes that stink really.. bad..

Dave then smells his underarms

Dave: ..like mine!

The entire class shouts “Ewwwwwwww”

Dave: I’m now pushing the play button. Everyone pay attention!

Dave is a proud man. He’s happy he’s able to share this wonderful piece of education with all the young students who have the obsession to learn.

Dave: Hey Frank, stop picking your nose!
Frank: I can’t help it. It tastes better than what my mom makes me for lunch!

Wow, that’s something I must try!

Dave: Your mom has made me lunch before and I may have to agree with you on that one.
Frank: You tried my snot?
Dave: No, I tried your moms cooking.

Angel who lives in a really rich family can’t believe what she’s seeing on the television.

Angel: You have to be kidding me!
Dave: About trying his moms food?
Angel: No, like, there’s some people out there who wash dishes like this?
Dave: Oh, you mean who manually place them in a sink full of soapy water and scrub scrub scrub?
Angel: Yeah!! That’s something I will never do!! That’s so disgusting!! Ewwww!!
Dave: That’s disgusting? And I bet you don’t take showers since that’s disgusting as well!
Angel: Uhhhhh…
Dave: So class, if you find washing dishes disgusting, that means you don’t wash yourself. And we just found out that Angel is someone who doesn’t wash herself.

Angel just started crying from the embarrassment

Dave: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… What a brat!
Angel: I’m going to tell my mommy on you!
Dave: HAHA… WHAT!?

Dave is now concerned. He’s afraid he may get in trouble or possibly fired. Next month we’ll find out what happens. Now let's get back to episode 03.

Dave Working Fast Food

Dave is exhausted from a night of partying and he’s standing at the register for someone to come in. Soon after a woman walks in who’s yelling at her 8 year old son. Dave noticed this and wondered how her attitude will be like towards him. He was about to find out.

Woman: Hi, I would like to get a combo!
Dave: Okay… of what?
Woman: Stop playing dumb with me! I want a combo!
Dave: Lady, we have over 8 combos here. Which do you prefer?
Woman: I DON’T LIKE YOUR ATTITUDE! I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!!!
Dave: Okay fine.. GET THE MANAGER OVER HERE!! There’s a crazy woman here who wants to complain about me doing my job correctly!!

The manager then walks in all wobbly

Manager: Heylo.. Wut can I get u?
Woman: Oh my, are you drunk?
Manager: nO, i’M JuSt WaStEd!
Woman: Well your employee here needs some manners! He was totally rude to me!

The manager wraps his arm around Dave.

Manager: This GuY hErE iS a COOL DUDE! He’s someone who we all respect! He has a GReaT FuTuRe WiT DiS CoMPaNY!
Woman: I have never seen a manager so irresponsible in my life!
Manager: I’M NoT iRReSPoNSiBLe! I’m just SeXY!
Woman’s Son: You are so cool!
Woman: No they’re not. Let’s get out of here! You two aren’t setting a good example for the children!
Dave: Yeah we are.. We’re encouraging them to work fast food!

THAT'S RIGHT.. You read it in Episode 03!

Dave The Psychic

Q: So many bad drivers are on the road now. Why don’t people carpool with others?
A: Because they think everyone else drives worse.

Q: I have to fight a kick boxer tomorrow. How can I prepare?
A: Sit on your couch, eat greasy pizza and pray he has a heart attack!

Q: What is the sexiest way to eat soup. Fork or spoon?
A: You must be on crack. CHOPSTICKS!

Q: I’m a thief. How do I avoid seeing cops?
A: You must be a rookie! Just close your eyes & if you notice handcuffs on your wrists, yell “SEXUAL HARASSMENT!”

Q: I like titties…
A: So do I!

Q: What is the best thing to get at an Italian restaurant?
A: Food.

Q: What’s your thoughts on getting my wife a dozen roses for our anniversary?
A: How would I know? She’s not my wife!

Q: I want to pick up a girl!
A: So go to the gym and work out!

Q: In the World Cup final game, Zidane headbutt some Italian dude. What message did that give you?
A: Zidane is retiring from soccer to become a wrestler. He will wrestle for the WWE.

Q: What is a great place for a first date?
A: That’s an easy one. Your bedroom!

Q: Can you pop balloons?
A: Yes and I can also BLOW them.

Q: Will Italy ever win another World Cup?
A: Yes, when they have another match-fixing scandal.

Q: What’s the opposite of marriage before children?
A: Children before marriage. The better choice!

Q: You are the greatest psychic in history!
A: And you are the biggest suck up I have ever seen!

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Thanks for reading episode 03.

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