Clean Funny Jokes Collection

Welcome to my clean funny jokes collection. Each one is tested in front of a live audience before posting online. Enjoy yourself and don't get too carried away!

Family

• Recently a woman had her baby at a Toronto gas station. They gave her flowers & a free $50 gas card. I guess we all will have babies at gas stations from now on. Gas ain't cheap!

• I had a life back then. I played high school football, dated 2 women at once, and read newspapers on the toilet. This was all before, I met my wife!

Dating

• There are 3 cards my girlfriend felt were the most important influences in her life. That would be the license, health card & her fathers Platinum VISA.

• My girlfriend & I hate each other. We never look at each other, talk to each other or play with each other. I guess that's what happens when we live with each other.

Fitness

• I am really fat. I never eat healthy, exercise moderately & think about my future. I work at McDonald's for crying out loud!

• What's the difference between a speed skater and a regular skater? One's on speed.

Holidays

• I love Good Friday. It's good for me because it's a day off work!

• I never do Christmas shopping before Christmas. It happens after Christmas. I save 55 percent!

Clean Funny Jokes continue..

Sleep

• I had a dream that I was sleepwalking. That was until I fell down the stairs.

• I fell asleep on the toilet today. It shows taking a poo is a boring experience.

Contests

• Dave won $1,000 from a Microsoft XBOX competition. When they asked what will he do with the money, he said "I'm buying Playstation 3!"

Professions

• Meteorologists are just like bad gamblers. They suck at their professions.

• What's the difference between a vampire and a lawyer?
  A vampire sucks blood while a lawyer sucks money.

Situations

• How do you prevent an idiot from talking to you?
  Make yourself idiot proof!

• I am a really cheap man. Last year I went to Cancun Mexico with my friends. The only difference is they took the airplane while I rode my bike.

Personal

• I’m not dark. I’m just tinted.

• I walked into a McDonalds all hungry. After noticing a man wearing a tanktop with a really hairy back, I lost my appetite.

Automotive

• My dad just realized there's a lot of room in the backseat of his car. It didn't take long for him to notice, only 13 years.

There will be more clean funny jokes coming in the near future. I need to get a notepad, sit by the dumpster, and start picking up some ideas.

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